On Life-Serving Needs

I arrived at BayNVC the other day, to teach the second day of a  two-day training. Seemed all would be easy and fine, but not so: I was still going over what practices to include in the training when I got a message from the volunteer assistant at the very last minute that he was sick. And there was some confusion around registration and pre-requisites. And then I walked into the next room and it was raining. There is something so unusual with indoor rain. It took a moment for me to realize that the roof was leaking seriously, water dripping on desks and computers, and parts of the ceiling had caved in, the carpet all soaked.

Luckily I knew who to call, but as the workshop participants arrived (most of them late, me managing the intercom while also trying to be present for and lead activities for the group) I found myself rather distracted, to say the least. Soon the group was to practice “self connection and expression”. As I demonstrated the exercise, I connected with and spoke of my unmet need for “predictability”. The shift in my internal state was palpable: I relaxed and became way more present with the people in the room; I joked about how absurd the situation was. It’s almost as if speaking an unmet need has an effect of “meeting it” at least a bit. I have found this many times, how connecting with and naming a presently unmet universal need seems to relax my system. As if “the need” knows that “I am aware of it”.

There really was no request I could make to meet this need for predictability. Sometimes – or perhaps more often than we’d like? – circumstances are way outside our control. Surrender is called for, to disengage from attachment to outcomes… But surrender does not mean to dismiss the universal need itself! I see needs as “life expressing itself” through each of us at any given moment: when we start paying attention deeply, we find that there is a “no-self” quality to them, and not at all the egotistical connotations we often associate with the word “need”.

I say to my clients: “stay attached to the need, not the outcome” and repeat often that for each and every universal need there are endless strategies for having them met, endless number of requests we could possibly make. Awareness and articulation is a very good first step.

Last year was one where my need for predictability was unmet on several levels almost all the time. It took a year of hanging out with that – making requests when I could, but also acknowledging my lack of control, naming over and over how I’d want more predictability, and mourning how little of it I’d had in my life – until predictability is beginning to show up with some ease. The indoor rain of last Sunday marks a day when naming it and laughing about it for a minute was all it took to shift from distraction and stress to focus and presence.

Authenticity and Belonging

Several coaching clients lately have presented with dilemmas around authenticity and belonging: “I know myself pretty well, but don’t have a sense that others know me – the real me.” Or, “I don’t experience that I can be the same ‘me’ at work and in my private life.” Or, “When I stand up for my values, I loose connection with my loved ones.” Becoming more authentic while also remaining in meaningful contact with those around me – what Bowen Family Systems Theory calls “Differentiation” – has been an important part of my own path. With my predisposition (personality, ego, enneagram type, dysfunctional family of origin – whatever we want to call it) it was easy to believe that it’s either “me” or “them”, that I had to be either authentic-and-alone, or inauthentic and part of the group.

I  believe that this either-or-duality is a widespread dilemma of the Western world. Some insist that others have to be or behave like them; some want to remove all “otherness” from the face of the earth or at least from their area; some get rigid around rituals and traditions that nurtures their sense of belonging, some pay the price of relationship to go off and be true to themselves. This dilemma has both individual and global ramifications. We see racism on the rise in Europe, hate crimes and gang activity of horrifying proportion in the US. And there is a lot of individual suffering going into lives not fully lived because of yielding to the group, or to ones own inner dialogue of what must be so.

Yet, we are “both and”: both individuals with our unique set of qualities, and interdependently part of a bigger whole. We are systems in and of ourselves, and also parts in larger systems of family, group, community, society, etc. In fact, we would not survive for many minutes if we were to discard all the ways we depend on others, even for the basic necessities in life. To experience “both and” as a lived reality, most of us has some inner work to do: getting to know ourselves more deeply, finding ways to be honest with that self, while – importantly – remaining in ‘meaningful emotional contact’ with loved ones.

I’ve always viewed Nonviolent Communication (“NVC”) as an amazingly simple yet powerful tool for developing “both-and” mentality. We practice advocating for ourselves while maintaining connection with others. We practice seeing individual preferences and idiosyncrasies as expressions of universal needs, of our shared human nature. We practice responding to what others say in ways that maintain connection, also when we disagree. On the other hand, this way of interacting is so “different” from everyday culture that many beginning students bump up against resistance when starting to use NVC with friends, family and co-workers. And then there is the risk of once again falling into the trap of wanting others to be like us – in this case that we’d want everyone to “speak NVC”.

Here lies one of my motivations for developing and sharing the “Flex Your Empathy Muscle” work: focusing on the purpose rather than the syntax of NVC, I was looking for a way for people to learn the principles of NVC and integrate these into a new way of being, one where more authenticity and belonging comes naturally.

I want to contribute to the ongoing strengthening of “both and” mentality, for myself and for others. I invite you to come explore with me in coaching or in learning NVC through the embodied practice.

Love to all,
Maja

What are you practicing?

I’ve always loved dancing, and for about 6 years I danced in a context that emphasized interaction based on self connection and authentic expression. Free form, lightly facilitated dancing to dj’d music. I danced on Wednesdays and Sundays, and sometimes on Fridays. I took additional classes and became certified to facilitate my own dance groups. I made friends and built community with other dancers. I danced every week.

And then I stopped, cold turkey. All-of-a-sudden, I had become intensely drawn to sitting still. My meditation practice took priority over the joy of dancing.

At first I was very puzzled over this radical lifestyle change, but by exploring the universal needs met by one practice and the other, it became rather clear: I discovered a previously “disowned” need for stability.  For all those years on the dance floor, I had built up internal capacity for flexibility, movement, expression, interaction, letting go, and for a kind of bodily listening to others. Now I’m practicing – deepening and “flexing muscles” – in the area of stability, persistence, and structure… The image of a mountain comes up, its unquestionable nature of being. But to have my need for stability met, it takes more than having a powerful image, or a good intention. I gotta DO new things and make new requests.

Think about it for a moment: What we do in our everyday life strengthens certain qualities and capacities, meets certain universal needs, and informs how we see ourselves… What is it that YOU do regularly? What capacity are you building up? What needs are you meeting? And, how does that affect your self identity?  And… what are you leaving out? What needs or qualities does not get built by your everyday habits?

• Do you usually stick with a plan, or often reschedule? (Building strength for persistence or spontaneity, respectively.)
• Do you work with people? with things? with concepts and theories? (And what interaction style gets nurtured?)
• Do you run, workout at a gym, participate in sports, study martial arts or exercise some other way – or not? (Meeting universal needs  for physical well being if you exercise, or perhaps ease and choice if you don’t.)
• Do you meditate, do yoga or some other spiritual practice on a daily basis? (How does that affect your self connection and ability to focus?)

What we do more of also shapes who we are, how we  see ourselves: In the months since my last dance class, I discovered that “being a dancer” had become so ingrained with how I saw myself, that there was little room for a more honest and integrated self identity. (This, I’m afraid, is the case for any label we give ourselves or others.)

In ongoing Coaching we explore how self identity and daily “practices” support  – or don’t support – clients’ desired outcomes, and we often work at this subtle but profound level for transformational change.

In “Flex Your Empathy Muscle” we work on developing “capacity for being empathic” as much as learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) skills. Many NVC students have found out the hard (or sad) way that what makes NVC really work – really connecting – is NOT getting the syntax right. Instead it’s the “magic” that comes about from deep listening and authentic sharing with an intention for connection. When we build capacity for empathic presence through specific, repeated gestures that each symbolize an aspect of NVC, we also practice a way of being that is likely to increase our satisfaction in conversations of all kinds. Come check it out.

Love to all,
Maja

Changing the Brain

I used to make this joke about Nonviolent Communication, that I could “teach it to you in 10 minutes, then it would take you 2 years to learn.” There was some truth to that, the model is simple, but to become fluent in this way of thinking and speaking, much more than understanding is required.

I have a long standing passion to understand humans beings, why we function and interact like we do, and how we can develop and change. In a recent conversation on these topics with a Psychologist friend of mine , she said “this is also about creating a new brain”. I stopped in my tracks, and started doing research into modern neuroscience and adult learning theory to broaden my understanding. There are some factors that corroborate my ideas:

Our brains function based on a kind of economy: neurological pathways fire in familiar tracks or patterns, and the more often they fire in a track, the more likely they will fire there again. Sort of like driving the same route to work every day, we don’t have to spend the energy to figure out how long it will take, make new decisions about where to turn, or worry about surprise traffic jams or road constructions.

Learning something new means creating a new “habit” (new patterns that are likely to fire “automatically”) out of a “thought” (pattern held in our working memory). One of my teachers, Wendy Palmer, often jokes “If reading was sufficient, we would all be enlightened.” No, we have to also •DO• something to make it stick. Repetition, “charge”, and variety of methods are called for.

- Repetition: this is where we “train the brain” to fire in new patterns. As we do a new activity over and over, we actually build new connections and increase likelihood for new ways of being. Just as with fitness exercises, it’s the repeated action and not the heavy lifting that makes the difference in building muscle tissue.

- Charge: For the repetitions to have an effect on our physiology, we have to also keep it interesting, or charged. We have to make an enticing case for taking that new and therefor perhaps challenging route to work! If there is not enough charge or motivation, apparently nothing really changes in the brain. If there is too much charge, the system goes into overwhelm, and no new pathways are created. Perhaps this notion of repeated body movements as a way to learn new ways to connect and communicate (rather than real life situations) is so effective because it makes it interesting while also safe…

- Variety: Studies show that using several of our faculties also aids in building new neural pathways. If we have a body practice, a visual anchor, and a mental idea, new pathways will form to represent all those, leading to more complex neural representations and more “access” to the new learning.

When I work with a coaching client, we always seek ways to form new, desired habits through some repeated activity or practice. Sometimes it’s yoga or walks in nature, sometimes it’s more subtle practices like sensing the back of the body touch the back of the chair – all depending on presenting issues and challenges, and on what capacity we’re working to develop. In the “Flex Your Empathy Muscle“- classes we blend the movements from the “NVC Kata*” with words, feelings and supportive interactions, creating a fruitful environment for real change to happen. Come check it out!

Warmly,
Maja

*) Footnote: Kata (~”form”) is a Japanese word describing detailed choreographed patterns of movements practiced either solo or in pairs. The “NVC kata” is a “form” I designed for the purpose of integrating the principles, process and vocabulary of Nonviolent Communication.

Marshall Rosenberg on Empathy and Surfing

A few weeks after writing about Learning NVC through the body, I heard this quote from Marshall Rosenberg – the creator of Nonviolent Communication – where he talks about empathy:

“Empathy, I would say is presence. Pure presence to what is alive in a person at this moment, bringing nothing in from the past. … If you surf, you’d be better at empathy because you will have built into your body what it is about. Being present and getting in with the energy that is coming through you in the present. It is not a mental understanding. … In empathy, you don’t speak at all. You speak with the eyes. You speak with the body. If you say any words at all, it’s because you are not sure you are with the person. So you may say some words. But the words are not empathy. Empathy is when the other person feels the connection to with what’s alive in you.” (You can listen to the interview here.)

Learning through the Body

I am a kinesthetic learner. I learn quicker and better from doing something with my body, than from reading or listening to new information. It’s sort of like the difference of reading a recipe for cooking – say French fish stew with rice and roasted roots vegetables – versus doing it for real, in the kitchen, chopping, blending, steaming, frying and baking away. And then finding out what the outcome is, what the result actually tastes like.

In Integral Coaching, we use the body for learning new ways of being. If a client’s goals would benefit from strengthening qualities of “softening” and “gentleness” we might give them assignments such as restorative yoga, receiving massage or spending quiet time in nature. If qualities of focus and assertiveness are called for, we might instead have the clients do warrior yoga poses, or send them to a class for public speaking.

I credit Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for many good things in my life, most of all how my conversations and relationships have changed over time from fear-filled, argumentative and agenda-driven to heart connected, authentic, mutual and cooperative. And, without 10+ years of immersion in NVC, I would not be able to thrive in my shared household or in my co-housing community; places where lots of wills, needs and differences are negotiated all the time.

But even with all that good stuff, during my entire “NVC life”, I’ve been missing the body in some fundamental way. (Not to say that numerous trainers have not developed a range of ways to bring in the body in the teachings – I was still missing it.) So… I started exploring if there might be a way to bring together what I’ve learned from my various somatic practices – dance, breathwork, exercise and martial arts – with the principles and processes of NVC. My hope is to provide a very different and effective system for learning how to stay connected to self and others – and be humbled by all of our humanity – while in conversation, collaboration or conflict.

Embodied Communication
So how do we embody communication? Well, it’s already happening: some researchers say that as much as 93% of interpersonal communication is nonverbal. Others argue the percentage rate, but all agree that communication happens also through postures, gestures, touch, eye-contact, along with (nonverbal) sounds and intonation.

By teasing out principles of NVC and distinguishing parts of its process, we can correlate those with specific poses, shapes, and moves. We can use breath at different levels of depth to connect to our mental clarity for “observations”, to the heart center for feelings, and to our core for universal needs. We can use a simple centering practice over and over again, so that our listening and expression becomes rooted in our own presence. We can use methods from (improvisational) dance to learn about the flow of conversation.

Given the importance of nonverbal communication in our relationships – and how disconcerting it is for any “listener” when verbal and nonverbal messages are out of alignment – I am convinced that developing “a body of a nonviolent communicator” is important.

Personal Practice
I have named this body of work “Flex Your Empathy Muscle” because I want to allude to those who see repeated practice as a path for integrating new skills and ways of being. The value of practice – be it mindfulness meditation or regular workout at the gym – is to have more presence or strength, respectively, to bring to actual situations in real life. Similarly, doing the “NVC kata” *) daily will shift how you access these principles; how readily available they are when you need them at work or at home or out in society.

If you have done 50 or 500 repetitions of the move that represents giving empathy – a shift from standing face-to-face to side by side – you will have that response as very real option when you talk with a person who is upset. If you have practiced over and over the gesture where “self expression” flows to a “request” you are likely to remember it also at times of fear, anger, or exuberance.

Vocabulary
After all that talk about the body, I want to revisit the fact that one aspect of “learning NVC” is to learn a new vocabulary: NVC provides us with a wonderful and lively palette of words for describing what goes on internally: our feelings and our needs. Part of the work for the student/practitioner is to learn new words. As part of the “NVC Kata”, we do this through reading and repetition. And we bring the new vocabulary alive by again inviting the body to play: What happens in your body when you tune in to feeling happy, irritable, or vulnerable? What shape comes naturally when you connect with the universal needs of meaning, sustenance, or support? And, how does your body organize when you are about to express gratitude, give feedback, or set a fierce boundary?

My hope is that this way of learning through embodied, repeated practice will benefit your integration of the life affirming principles and vocabulary of NVC, so that you’ll be empowered to use them freely in your work and life. I welcome you to check it out.

July 2010
Maja Bengtson

*) Footnote:  Kata (~”form”) is a Japanese word describing detailed choreographed patterns of movements practiced either solo or in pairs. The “NVC kata” is a “form” I designed for the purpose of integrating the principles, process and vocabulary of Nonviolent Communication.

Integral Sustainability

When I started grappling with the concept of sustainability, it was really from the perspective of money. What is enough? What is more than I need? What do I really need? And which “needs” am I trying to meet with money? And should I look at the current situation, or take into account my retirement and other potential future needs? Answers might have been clear now and then over the years, but I continue to ask myself what is real. And adjust my lifestyle to lighten my ecological footprint.

Today “green” and “sustainability” are becoming fad words in the Bay area. We eat organic produce, drive Prius cars and install solar panels on our roofs. Hoping that possibly some little change of action might help us survive as a species…  or at least would help our own family or community… There are myriads of organizations and initiatives and movements, all working for common good. All this is very good news, but I wonder: what are we leaving out?

From integral coaching, I know that development that leaves out any major domains will not succeed, will be stumped at some point by what is left behind.  Sustainable change towards sustainability has to be inclusive of all aspects of our human experience.

Sustainability in the most personal sense concerns our awareness and inner self care. Does my internal dialogue leave room for my humanity? Do I love myself even when I’m not meeting my own high standards? Can I post this blog and let others respond without their viewpoints limiting my own self respect and dignity? And do I make time and space for what is important to me? Or even to find out what actually IS important? Do I have room for mourning, for connecting with my despair over the state of our world?  I love how the “self empathy” practice from Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help me stay in touch with myself, moment by moment.

Turning outward, to my body and behavior, I wonder about the sustainability of my habits: How does my self care resonate with caring for the planet? How much do I work and how much play and rest? Do I treat myself to food that is sustainably produced, and is my own handling of the food following along? How is my health responding to being more – or less – in harmony with nature?  I love that my office is at walking distance from my home. It has become a quality-of-life-requirement for me to not drive my car every day, and to be able to function in the world by foot.

Turning to others, to the people in my work and life, I look at sustainability in relationships: How do I show up in ways that help us learn together what works for both? And how do I invite you to do the same? Do I take in the feedback I’m given, do I provide the feedback I want to give – for our shared learning, for increased functioning of the whole?  How much do I trust in and build up “our” joint capacity to deal with what life provides us? Again, I turn to the NVC process for tools and ways to practice listening and speaking with clarity and compassion. Both.

On my walks to the office, not only do I get some light exercise, I also get to see the homeless people who share the park with the high school students; I get to recognize my neighbors and to be in touch with my surroundings. Thinking “if the world falls apart – like some say it will – these are the people who I will have to learn to share necessities with.” Will I be able to treat them with the respect and dignity I would like for myself?

Turning to the world around us, the question is more alive for many about what is sustainable? What does the environment need from us, to continue to provide food, shelter and a planet called home?

Love to all,
Maja